2017-013 - Chile


Amber Beads

 An Anglo-Saxon’s View of Their Unearthed Graves

Inspired by Giles’ photo

Sere and yellow,

Rough and round,

Glowing pebbles in a mound,

Pitted and mellow,

Winding our necks round,

We wore them.


Amber beads unearthed from clay,

Fashioned by my artist love,

Glowing yellow, filled with day,

Captures sunbeams from above.

I still love them.


Some say gods have made these,

To ensnare the light of Sun,

But we women saved these,

In memory & hope of sons,

We keep them.


Rich & smooth as butter,

We turned them in our hands.

The bone beads scraped with madder,

The amber just with sand.


Those of shadowy carnelian

Embedded like a shield,

We treasure as we fear them,

Like wounds on battlefields.


The others soaked with brownish earth,

Or trod in ochred clay,

Show us fields where our sons died first,

And anoint them with the way.


So, when we are dead, take not from us,

These rounded, golden suns,

But bury them with sword and severed buss,

To revere the slaughtered ones,

Who never returned to us.

– 2011

(Please excuse the simplicity; I’m still figuring out how to make this site work!)




Examining Depression

Canterbury Bells - Antique - emerged after decades under leaves-to alter-illusion

Some people think of depression as one condition or disease, easily defined and characterized. I believe that is untrue. First of all, there are many people who have depression and are not aware of it. They cover it up, cope with its symptoms and achieve customary and even great things (look at Van Gogh). However, this does not mean that the syndrome will not catch up with them eventually and cause breakdowns or even suicide. Of course, this was far more common in the day before the discovery of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy.

The other thing that many therapists have realised (even if they overuse it) is that anxiety can be a mask for depression. Yes, anxiety is often simply anxiety, or even panic disorder, but pretending that one is not depressed can be exhausting and frightening. The effort creates anxiety and this stresses the body until one breaks down, or resorts to drug and alcohol use. Not surprisingly, the use of alcohol–a depressant–in particular merely exacerbates the depression. It creates a spiral of increasing feelings of low self-esteem, a sense of despair and lack of motivation and energy, “treated” with a drug that only makes these feelings worse.

Another attempt at self-treatment is the use of stimulants, such as cocaine or methamphetamine. For some people, the feeling of depression is so disturbing that they seek to reach a state of hyper-awareness and a constant state of agitation and excitement. Just as the alcohol user seeks more of it as the effect wears off, the user of stimulants dislikes it when their effect winds down and even a state of calm takes over. They fear that the next step is depression, so they need more coke, more meth or more of whatever stimulant they choose.

I remember a brilliant, young man from Georgia who was in graduate school for physics at the University of Massachusetts. He had two difficult areas of study and yet was very “non-nerdy”. His persona was open and relaxed, so much so that his presence in a room had an almost mesmerizing, calming effect on everyone.

Sadly, he became caught up in using cocaine and eventually dealing it. He became hyper, paranoid and lost his calming, laid-back personality. One morning, he burst into my bedroom at 8 A.M. on a frigid, winter day. He was raving about having been attacked by a giant karate expert and fleeing to his car, barefoot across the ice. His feet were cut up and bloody. I gave him some peroxide and bandages, then plied him with a 1 mg of Valium and a glass of wine. This seemed like a reasonable amount and a simple way to stop his raving. He calmed down but soon became annoyed at his relaxed state! Sure enough, he pulled out some coke and did a line, while I protested.

He said that the wine and Valium had “brought him down too much”! After a couple of lines, he returned to his hyper state. I asked him if he had more cocaine out in his car and he said “Yes”, as if it was totally normal. I grew angry (angrier!) and told him I didn’t want to be part of some drug war, nor become an accessory if he got arrested. Sadly, I made him leave, heading out to parts unknown. Months later, I heard that he was back in Georgia, “hanging out with the good ol’ boys and drinking bourbon”. This was all he could take, he said; the atmosphere of academia and the cocaine culture was too much of a lure to him.

Though it seemed that he saved himself to a degree, it saddened me that he had given up so much in terms of his studies. Was he depressed? Did his calmness and laid-back attitude mask depression? Did he seek out cocaine because the depression was so unbearable, he needed an escape? I would never find out but it seems plausible.

What is depression, according to the psychological and medical community? The National Institute of Mental Health characterizes depression as a persistent feeling of sadness, lack of interest and a feeling of hopelessness (among other symptoms) that lasts for two weeks or more. This is a bit arbitrary, since people often experience what is called “reactive depression” after major traumas such as the loss of a loved one, a job or diagnosis with a serious illness such as cancer. This sort of depression can last longer than two years and then resolve. This is not seen as the same as what is called “clinical depression”, which, unlike the reactive kind, will not resolve with time, but persists for at least two years and should be treated.

Often known as “dysthymia”[1], clinical depression or “Major depressive disorder”, can increase and decrease in intensity, but never goes away. Common signs are difficulty with sleeping (either too much or too little), eating, trouble with everyday activities such as work, housekeeping, school work or when older, raising children. Having a child can exacerbate depression or even create a temporary form usually called “Postpartum depression”, which can even turn into psychosis.

There are other forms that you can read about at the source below, but I would like to focus on dysthymia, the most common form of depression. Stories of various people’s depression often remind me of a well-known fantasy novel, The Wizard of Earthsea,  by Ursula K. LeGuin. The hero, Ged, is on a journey of self-discovery and begins to notice a dark shadow in the distance and becomes convinced that it is after him. He knows that it was created by one of his spells that went wrong. It is supposedly an ancient creature that wishes to possess him, according to his teacher, an archmage. He increases his flight from it, hoping to outrun it in his ship, but it just gets closer each day. The hero’s journey continues but he becomes more frightened and possessed with a sense of doom, as the shadow draws closer. Finally, it attacks him, scratching his face and destroying his wizard’s staff.

Finally, in desperation, and with advice from a wise man, he turns and faces the shadow, chasing it from place to place, determined to fight it. When he does, he realizes that the threat is actually his own fear, embodied. The darkness shrinks, he accepts the shadow as part of himself, gives it his own name and is finally at peace. By acknowledging the shadow/fear, he takes away most of its power.

The analogy here is that so often, with depression (and anxiety), we try to run from it or subdue it with drugs, alcohol or even frantic activity such as work or causes. These go against LeGuin’s Buddhist philosophy with which she infuses the Earthsea trilogy. Things in the novel’s world need to be in balance, she has the inhabitants say.

Ironically…and happily, the practice of Buddhism has led modern practitioners of psychology to come up with a technique to address emotional problems such as depression and anxiety. It even works well for panic disorder, which has had few effective treatments until recently.

The therapeutic version of Buddhist “mindfulness” is called “ACT” or Acceptance-Commitment Therapy. The idea is that, rather than trying to deny things like depression or anxiety, one accepts that it is there, then uses imagery and mindfulness to put the negative thoughts on “hold” so that one can take care of the necessities of life.[2]

One reason for its effectiveness is that it leaves behind the traditional use of talk therapy, to a great degree, and utilizes the awareness of how one thinks about things like depression or anxiety. In our culture, so many people are conditioned to believe that if they have one of these psychological problems, then they are somehow “less” or “broken”. However, when one uses ACT, there is a new and encouraging sense of personal power, an ability to direct one’s approach to problems. That is accompanied by the sense of balance and awareness.

I do not claim to be any kind of expert on depression and I should add that there are certainly people who do need more than therapy (medication), not just for depression but anxiety and panic disorder. But it is freeing to have a technique that allows the individual much more control and hopefully, an alternative to alcohol or illegal drugs to quell the pain.

Another approach to depression is the one our son thought up. He says that he “embraces” his depression as a part of himself, much like the wizard Ged, of Earthsea. While it’s tempting for a parent to object, wanting one’s child to be happy and never depressed or anxious, it is best to realize that your offspring should do the same thing as any other healthy, young adult does: forge his or her own lifestyle and philosophy according to their personality and preferences. Just because you don’t usually get depressed does not mean that your son can expect the same thing.

One can be grateful that new methods for treating depression via therapy and self-exploration are now commonplace and easy to learn, usually with no cost.



The Kids R Not “A.I.-lright”!

I was reading a post about an online therapy site called “Koko”, which offers “alternative ways of thinking” to troubled people. Apparently, it is now either partially or wholly taken over by an A.I. Really? I mean…REALLY?! It’s bad enough that people actually talk to Alexa but this is, as a Far Side cartoon once wrote “Just Plain Nuts”. In a scene from the breakthrough show, “Mr. Robot”, a lonely F.B.I agent asks Alexa if she loves her. The perfect answer, to which everyone should pay close attention, is: “I am not capable of that kind of thing.” It does not take a genius to figure out that Alexa, though programmed to say that “I feel good when I help you” and that she likes the color ultraviolet, is not capable of any human emotion or thought process, let alone love. This includes, concern, compassion, curiosity, reasoning, responsibility and any other type of thought that is involved in real therapy. One things at which Alexa DOES excel is admitting that she does not know something. More humans could use this trait but having it does not make a therapist.

I have often thought of an online therapy site as being potentially helpful for those who think that going to a therapist means that one is crazy, or those who don’t believe in it or those who are just not ready to spill their deepest thoughts and feelings to a real person. After all, not everyone is cut out for the therapeutic modality. And in fairness to the online shrinks and even to an A.I., not all therapists are great. Some should never be allowed to dispense advice about life to anyone. I have known some of these people. But there are far more good, live, trained therapists out there who can and do help those in emotional pain. They see them regularly and remember their names. They take notes and remember what both of you said in a session. Still, it is probably better for some people to seek online help than go to a live shrink and get nothing out of it for whatever reason. That lonely F.B.I. agent comes to mind, pathetically.

But I draw the line at promoting the idea of entrusting one’s mental well-being, including the decision about whether or not to end one’s life, to a software program. Where in blazes did humans get the idea that talking to an A.I. was remotely helpful, at least in the long run? If said descendant of Hal tells you that you should ignore the thugs who bully you every day, or that getting a hobby can ease depression, or that thinking about PTSD differently will cure it, and these “solutions” do not work (a good bet), then who is held accountable? A shrink can be reviewed, disciplined and even sued or sent to jail for screwing up someone’s life even more than it already is. How do you punish an A.I. for doing the same thing?

When I first read that this online shrink was named Koko, I immediately thought of the talking gorilla. It is not out of the realm of possibility that one might be better off having a hug-fest with a gorilla, or even the family dog, than listen to programmed “solutions” parroted by a brainless, soulless machine who, let’s face it, does not even know you are there, much less give a damn what happens to you.

For more well-deserved paranoia:


Attention Deficit Writer

Focus is a Relative Term

When we think of writers, at least these days, and we discount the spontaneous ramblings on social media sites or blogs (!), we imagine the artist or journalist, confidently hunched over a laptop, tapping away while the camera pans around him or her, simultaneously showing us some things about the writer’s life and personality, as only a movie can do. This a great idea since, as David Koepp said of creating Stephen King’s dysfunctional writer, Mort Rainey, from the book Secret Window, watching a writer is boring. Therefore, he used the still space around Mort to give us a peek into the writer’s world and even his brain.

Once the camera has drifted around his solitary cabin on a lake, over the future garden plot and up through the secret window, we see a thirty-something man in a torn bathrobe, hair disheveled, playing with a Slinky, sitting at his desk, not typing but staring at the one paragraph he finished. We are not impressed, except by his slovenly dress, but his sloth strikes us. This is a guy with writer’s block…the horror! This just makes a character’s job even more boring.

And how many minutes can the audience take of establishing shots and clever peeps into the mind of the writer, no matter how delightfully batty he is? Essentially, the director must now do what the writer does: either invent a plot, portray one or use memory (flashbacks) to show how our anti-hero ended up as he has. Therefore, we see his past (I would write “SPOILERS!” but this is not IMDb). We see a recent, huge fight with his wife and her lover, Mort screaming in their faces, a fade-out/in to his life now, alone in their summer cottage, napping almost all day, consumed with alternating depression and rage. At some point, we begin asking how this will be resolved; whether he will make up with the wife and get back on track with his writing, or go completely nuts and do something horrible (this is a King novel, after all!).

Like a good writer, the director teases us a bit with alternative outcomes. He has Mort intimidate the new boyfriend. He also stands up to a mysterious hick from Tennessee who has accused him of plagiarism. The wife calls to see how he is, obviously still in love. Things are looking up!

And this is where some writers might draw the line. Life cannot be constructed, much as people think it is. Stories are also not necessarily produced according to a strict timeline or even done at a steady pace. Some stories occur in a writer’s mind, are tried out and shelved. Some never make it past the scribbled notes on a napkin or in a notebook. Other’s jump out, seemingly fully fledged, ready to help the writer to bring them into the world. And then he or she simply loses interest, focus or gets distracted. Years or decades go by until the writer feels the story crawling around in his head, like an “itch”, as Nabokov said of Lolita, and he puts pen to paper again.

What no one ever seems to admit is that sometimes writers get bored, even with their own work, no matter how good it is. I submit that perhaps it is not really boredom in some cases, but simply the desire to work on something different, or the difficulty in focusing on one work to the exclusion of all else. Too often, the authors who experience this become self-accusatory, like Mort, deriding their inability to stay on one task as some sort of failing. And yet people in other jobs who complain about this are not frowned upon but given sympathy. They are told to diversify or even to switch careers. They take refresher courses to add to their fields. Why must writers then be put in harness and expected to plod along the same path until some end point? To me, nothing stifles creativity more than that, To me, the realization that one is bored is just a start. The next step is to reject the implied failure therein and look for a solution. Some writers do diversify, dabbling in various arts such as acting, music, film-making and so on. But what if an author really, really wants to write?

In this case, the dreaded phenomenon of Attention Deficit “Disorder” can actually be a lifesaver. Once the author realizes that working on one piece alone is counterproductive, why not jump from one work to another, perhaps even in the course of a day or an hour? What if having music playing (not that unusual) frees the writer to be more creative while practicing his or her craft? And for that matter, why not watch a movie or TV, surf the Internet or read other people’s works, in-between stabs at your own novels and other writing? It works for me, far better than that nose-to-the-grindstone approach.

This way reminds me of the stories of artists’ colonies in the 19th Century. Lines between different types of art were less rigid in those days. For example, George Sand was inspired by the music of Frederic Chopin, who was inspired by the paintings of Delacroix. Artists, especially in Europe, loved to gather and share their particular philosophies and aesthetics, often through demonstrations of their artistic media. Somehow, the 20th Century seemed to push artists apart, lionizing the solitary writer, like Hemingway or Salinger, shuttling painters off into galleries and studios while locking up musicians in studios or on stage. What we ended up with were often sterile, cold and lonely views of artistic vision.

So, what is my message here? I think writers, especially those who abide by schedules or rigid notions of what constitutes “productivity”, should reevaluate their techniques, especially if they find themselves in Mort Rainey’s shoes, or simply feeling “blocked” but realizing that they are bored. I would also counsel parents whose children have trouble focusing in class to investigate letting them branch out and perhaps try writing or even completing other work while listening to music or surfing the web. There is no more reason to force a student into one way of learning and communicating than there is to chain a writer to completing one book at a time.

Consider one of the men who is often considered the greatest Renaissance artist-architect-writer: Leonardo Da Vinci. He was known for having trouble finishing his works. Was he dissatisfied or just distracted from completing one project by all the other ones crowding his mind? I like to imagine him running from an easel to his drafting table and, tiring of that, taking a long walk to look for fossils or draw a map. Imagine what he would do now with the Internet, television, films, YouTube and a smart phone. He is often called a “polymath”, but what if that is the same thing as what we call ADD? How different would our education be of those kids who have it? I would like to think that they would be treated like Da Vinci. And we would never think of medicating them to dull the creative urge, simply because they don’t fit into the same rut as everyone else.